Thursday, June 17, 2010

What's The Plan?

? ? ?

"Now what?"
"What's the plan?"

Those comments pretty much sum up the text messages I received yesterday and this morning.

I do not want to write this post!

And, that pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter. By now, you've figured out that my report yesterday was not all positive. Interestingly, of the three lymph nodes removed during my surgery, the two identified with the radioactive dye as being the sentinel nodes were clear. "Hooray," we thought. BUT, the third node, which Dr. Sharma only took because it looked a little odd...larger than others, did have melanoma within it. Shucks!

Immediate thought: Thank you, God, that Dr. Sharma took that node. Otherwise, we get a false positive report and go along none the wiser until a recurrence of something.

Follow-up discussions: Pet scans, other scans, other lymph node removal, drug treatment, go to M.D. Anderson or Johns Hopkins, research trials, blah blah blah.

You see, I really want to write about designing a pink and taupe nursery for a precious baby girl on the way or sewing on drapery rings for an installation today or an amazing turquoise and red dining room design in San Antonio. And, I will write about those things, because I'm going to keep on doing those things, if God wants me to. But, I will also be "continuing the journey," as my amazing husband describes it, of this diagnosis.

Maybe it's the only node in my whole body that has melanoma and I will never have to worry about it, again. Maybe it's a sign of other/worse things within. It's an amazing comfort to me that I am not in control of this. God still is; and He ismore competent than I, more competent than even the doctors. Remember, He's in control of the good news and the news we don't like. I love Him and trust Him, regardless. And, today, I praise Him for letting me have these experiences and to be able to share them with you.

I know that at this very moment, there are family and friends lifting my name and my circumstances to the all-powerful, all-controlling (love than term, Joni and Sylvia!) God. I know that every night and every morning, my 88-year-old aunt in Baton Rouge kneels beside her bed to pray and that my name is in her petition. I know that many, many are reaching out to me in amazing ways, including the offer of a hammer and tea-cups to smash. Thank you, thank you.

So, today, here is what I know:
At 2:45 today.... this splint comes off in favor of some other, more mobile dressing.
Next week, I will see Dr. Amy Harker-Murray, a medical oncologist, do the scans, and do more talking, I'm sure.

More importantly, I know:
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." 1 John 4:18.

I am in the middle of an intense love affair with my Lord. He loves me perfectly; I'm trying to love Him in the same way. Think of the comfort you get from the unconditional love you receive from your spouse, your best friends, your parents, even your children at some point in their lives. That love, though they try, is flawed. They're human; it can't be helped. His love: measureless and strong! I'm hooked. I rest in it.


  1. Oh, that crazy love. How I praise Him for it, although this moment I do it through tears!

  2. I'm so sorry the test results weren't what you'd hoped to hear. Your outlook, however, is such an inspiration and is absolute proof of the peace that passes all understanding. I'm praying for you, your family, and your doctors. Please keep us updated - on medical things and on pretty nurseries, too. :)

  3. Please know you all remain in my prayers, and those of my family as well. You Akins are amazing folks - your positive outlook is, as another said, an absolute inspiration.

  4. Wow, such a strong response in the face of this trial. I admire your faith! In a way, you words "He is more competant than I; more competant than even the doctors" is something I have to tell myself over and over in my struggle with infertility. Some days are easier than others and, by no means am I comparing my struggle to yours, but I'll be praying for you.

  5. Coming here from your daughter's site. I will pray fervently for your healing and I am in if you do end up here at MD Anderson, I will bring you some comfort food:)

  6. found your blog via your daughters.

    i am adding you to my prayer list...know that prayers are being lifted up to jesus on your behalf.

    bless you.

  7. I'm coming here thru your daughter site and I just wanted to say that I have added you to my prayer list. One of my close friends went thru melanoma for two and a half years and was an inspiration like you are if you would like to learn more you can visit their site . I will be a praying for you.

  8. It is definitely a journey. I, too, have been on a rollercoaster with my health for the past few years. Hang in there!